


You Cheated Us Out Of Life

by PhilTrashNo164



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Cheating, Depressing as hell, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-16
Updated: 2018-06-16
Packaged: 2019-05-24 06:44:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14949602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhilTrashNo164/pseuds/PhilTrashNo164
Summary: One night, Phil doesn’t come home.





	You Cheated Us Out Of Life

**Author's Note:**

> see tags for any possible triggers: this is not a happy fic.

**_October 2019_ **

 

“Dan, I don’t know how to say this, but I’ve been arrested. You know how for like a year I’ve been having an affair behind your back? Yeah, well, sucks to be you, but it’s true… so, yeah, tonight we got caught having sex in the park - being watched by all his friends, naturally -  whilst off our faces on heroin. And you say I’m ‘too vanilla’. Well, it’s not my fault you’re crap in bed. Anyway, bail me out, please?”

 

*

 

That’s what Dan expects Phil to say, when he rolls out of the empty-of-Phil bed and answers the phone at close to 3AM.

 

But it’s not Phil at the other end.

 

“Mr. Howell, I have you listed as one of Mr. Lester’s emergency contacts?”

 

Dan knows then that it’s bad news. Any jaded, bitter feelings he has die in his bloodstream. He chokes out a “Y-yes,” a “I’m his boyfriend”, is about to ask-

 

“ _You’re_ his boyfriend?”

 

He’s thrown. The man sounds suspicious. “Of course I’m his-”

 

And then it hits him.

 

Oh, Phil. What’s been left of Dan’s heart this part year hisses and burns.

 

_“...one of Mr. Lester’s emergency contacts”_

 

_One._

 

He’d assumed the others were Phil’s family. But-

 

“I’ve just rung a Mr. Will Osbourne,” the man is saying, “he said _he_ was Mr. Lester’s boyfriend, I, are you in some sort of-”

 

“He was cheating.”

 

Silence. Dan interprets that for pity, hates pity, talks to suffocate the suffocating feeling it creates: “The signs were always there, but I couldn’t leave him, I still loved him, I still do love him, even though he clearly doesn’t love me, I-”

 

Silence.

 

“Is he OK?”

 

A stupid question to ask. Even in a crisis he’s fucking stupid.

 

The man’s back in familiar territory now. “Involved in a… car didn’t stop… condition is worsening, but you can… so sorry to…”

 

The words don’t sink in. He asks the man to repeat what he just said.

 

“He’s been involved in what witnesses lead us to believe was a hit and run, the car didn’t stop and there was no CCTV along that stretch of roa-”

 

“He’s in hospital?”

 

“Yes. We contacted his brother first, he told us to contact you, and Mr. Osbourne. Mr. Lester was leaving Mr. Osbourne’s flat when he came into contact with the car...”

 

Martyn _knew_.

 

The betrayal rips the flesh from his body. Martyn _knew_ , Martyn viewed Dan and and this… this ‘ _Will’_ as being equals in Phil’s life, did this mean Phil loved Will, Dan has hoped to himself that it was just sex, but no, it couldn’t be just sex, could it, Phil _had_ to go and fall in love with someone else-

 

“Hello? Are you alright? Are you still there? I know this is a lot to-”

 

“Is he going to be there?”

 

“Sorry?”

 

He forces himself to swallow. “This… ‘ _Will_ ’. Is he going to visit Phil in hospital?”

 

“He said he’d be right over, yes.”

 

Dan hangs up.

 

Then he does something his past self would find callous, incredulous: he tries to go back to sleep.

 

*

 

Phil’s dying, yes. But Dan’s been dying longer.

 

*

 

Phil’s mum leaves him a series of voicemails:

 

“Dan, love, you have to come straight away, Phil’s- he’s- I [a sob] he’s deteriorating, he’s fading, you- you have to be here for him, Dan, this could be it, he’d-”

 

and:

 

“He’d want you here, Dan. There’s this ‘Will’ fellow here, and I can tell you now he’s not a patch on you. I don’t like him one jot. Martyn’s explained what’s happened, and I know this must be hard for you, but try and put that aside, when Phil’s better I’ll give him the scolding of his life for treating you like- oh, Phil! [beeping, the bad hospital-drama kind] Oh no, oh no, oh- God- no, no no-”

 

and:

 

“Dan, he didn’t- he didn’t- [a whimper] I- I’ll call you back later, but-”

 

and - forty-five minutes later:

 

“He’s in a better place now, Dan. He’s- [sobbing]”

 

*

 

He should make a video. He owes Phil’s fans that much.

 

But what would he say?

 

“I’ve always loved you” when there were times when he hated him, loathed him, actually fucking wished he would die so Dan had no choice but to move on from the ashes of their relationship?

 

“I’ll never love again.” That one is probably true. But is Phil owed that, given how he’s treated him? Why shouldn’t Dan find happiness with someone else?

 

“This will be my last video.” God, he’s not sure he can ever even consider continuing his YouTube career when it was Phil who got him started, Phil who worked with him, PhilPhilPhil it’s so fucking tied up with Phil - but what else is he good for?

 

(but, then again, if he spends his money right he need never work again)

 

(actually, fuck that, he’s sinking every penny he owns into the best therapist money can buy, because right now it’s that, or he’ll be joining Phil sooner than you can say “Tragic YouTuber Suicide”)

 

He posts a Tweet, instead:

 

_You brought light when I saw only darkness. Thank you._

 

*

There’s a second part of that Tweet, that goes un-posted:

 

_Then, somehow, you became the darkness. Sure, on the surface you were the sun, but better fool me, right, because what happens if you get too close to the sun? You get burned._

 

*

He gets a small booklet in the post a week later - a week spent ignoring calls and texts and Tweets and not showering and fantasising about going all Sylvia Plath and sticking his head in the oven and just being finally fucking done with this bullshit existence, because there’s nothing left for him now-

 

The booklet is bright yellow. On the front it has the words “In Memory Of Phil Lester” and a picture of Phil that Dan took last year during their tour.

 

He expects the photo to get smeared with tears, but none come. It’s not that things haven’t sunk in, because they have, and it’s not that he doesn’t care, it’s just that he cares so much that the pain has actually whited-out to numbness.

 

Inside the booklet is a list of readings - Martyn will read one of Phil’s favourite poems from his childhood, Cornelia will sing his favourite Muse song ( _their_ favourite Muse song, they shared it, and it was something magical), some people that Dan’s never heard of are going to say this and that, there’s going to be some bullshit prayer, like there’s any chance God exists when fucking shit like this happens-

 

Dan’s name is printed mid-way down, and below it reads simply “A tribute from the man who loved him most.”

 

What the fuck is he going to say?

 

An anecdote is a safe choice, something happy and silly.

 

He doesn’t want to share Phil with all these people. He wants a private funeral, just him and Phil’s siblings and parents, and Cornelia.

 

And if Will dares turn up?

 

Well, Dan will strangle him with his own intestines and then rip out his eyes, before slicing his own stomach open and laughing, because fuck it, he’ll have finally lost it then-

 

*

 

There’s a third part to that Tweet, it turns out:

 

_I take it back. I love you. I know I don’t believe in Heaven but I hope I’ll see you again. We could start over? Hi, my name is [Dan]._

 

*

 

At the funeral, everyone cries but him.

 

He tells some bullshit story about the time they were in the US and Phil mistook a can of Easy Cheese for whipped cream and Dan laughed so hard he nearly threw up.

 

Other people tell bullshit stories, too, but he’s not really there, not in spirit. He can’t tear his eyes from the casket.

 

Phil, gone.

 

There one minute, burning bright, gone.

 

How?

 

Maybe this is just a bad dream. Maybe one day he’ll wake up and it’ll be 2018 and he’ll be in Phil’s arms.

 

*

The crisis team arrive just as Dan’s picking out which bath bomb would go nicely with the blood from his slit wrists.

 

Martyn's sent them. He's worried about how Dan acted at the funeral.

 

They make him tea, make him talk, and his answers must be insufficient, because they call Martyn and he stays over to watch Dan sleep and stay asleep and not die and have nightmares about how Phil actually wanted to die, because who wouldn’t when they were stuck with Dan-

 

He lives-

 

_Exists_.

 

“Lives” was always going to be a bit of a stretch.

 

*

 

The fans find out where Phil’s been buried.

 

They leave hundreds of flowers.

 

Someone tramples on the flowers.

 

They raise the money for a shining, devoted headstone.

 

Someone defaces the grave.

 

*

**_Six Months Later_ **

 

_“Tragic YouTuber Suicide”_

 

_Daniel Howell, also known early in his career as “danisnotonfire” was today reported by his family as having have taken his own life._

_“We don’t understand,” a family member was quoted as saying. “Yes, he suffered from depression, but he seemed as happy as one could be following the tragic events last year. He was going to therapy, he was in a new relationship, yes, we knew things were hard, he’d lost his best friend and boyfriend, but he’d been making progress, we always said he could talk to us if he ever- we are devastated. We ask for space to grieve at this difficult time.”_

 

*

 

Dan’s boyfriend fights Dan’s family over where to put the grave.

 

“Next to Phil,” they say.

 

He can’t accept that. He skips the funeral, and they never hear from him again.

 

*

 

Somewhere out there in the universe, whether by souls or stardust, Dan and Phil are together again.

 

Somewhere there’s no pain, no hurt.

 

They are together, because they loved each other, it’s that simple.

 

“I love you, I’m sorry,” the amalgamation of Phil’s being says.

 

“Don’t be,” is all Dan’s says.

 

They are together, and that is enough.

 


End file.
